The Pioneer Woman’s Felonious First Cousin – An Update

UPDATE:  “Mary in Tulsa” emailed that Judge Gambill granted the parties’ Agreed Motion for Continuance.  The pre-trial conference is now set for Dec. 13, 2013.  Gentner’s wife, Wendy Drummond, appeared with the Pioneer Woman’s wayward cousin by marriage.

**************************************************************************

Almost a month ago, “Mary in Tulsa” updated us on the Thatcher Drummond assault case which, nearly two years after the incident, remains pending before an Osage County court mired in legal posturing and maneuvering by the Drummond family lawyer.   Regular visitors to this site will recall the Pioneer Woman’s law-abiding first cousin by marriage was arrested in February 2012,  after allegedly taking a swing at Robert Regnier, the state trooper who stopped him for running a stop sign, drunk driving, possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. While attempting to handcuff Ree’s upstanding relative, a scuffle broke out, the trooper was injured and Drummond escaped after bolting over a pasture, handcuffs still dangling. Presumably Thatcher ran off to the fake Pioneer Woman’s lodge/tv studio hoping to satisfy a severe case of munchies.

The Pioneer Woman, fake pioneer woman, ree drummond, fake ree drummond

Thatcher Drummond courtesy of www.bustedmugshots.com

After the case sat dormant for nearly a year, a pre-trial hearing was held on Sept. 13, 2013. Gentner Drummond, Thatcher’s cousin and the family barrister, appeared and moved to depose the trooper. Typically, law officers do not give depositions as it is presumed they will be available to testify live and in person at the time of trial. Exceptions are made when a deponent is terminally ill, has a profound mental disease or might be moving a great distance. None of these exceptions apply to Regnier who is alive, healthy and has no imminent plans to relocate. The Assistant District Attorney, Mike Fisher understandably objected.

The presiding Judge granted Drummond’s motion but limited the scope of discovery from the time the officer first saw the defendant to the moment when Thatcher broke the law. Genter Drummond, who’s on his knees nightly praying this case gets dismissed for want of prosecution, objected. He’ll eventually move that his client’s constitutional rights have been unduly prejudiced by the many delays. Good strategy Gentner, get the family bad boy off again. Yet another hearing was set for this Friday, November 22, 2013 with Judge Gambill ordering said deposition be completed by this date.

Quoting Judge Gambill, “the easiest thing for the court to do would be to just shuffle it off, but I’m not going to do that for rich or for poor.” Let’s hope the dear Judge won’t be retiring anytime soon.   A heartfelt thanks to “Mary in Tulsa.”  Please update us on Friday’s proceedings.

 

131 Comments

The Pioneer Woman – Vera’s Recap of Thanksgiving Leftovers

Saturday, Ree showed us how she uses up her Thanksgiving leftovers. By the end of the show, I am wondering just how big was that turkey? Or maybe nobody ate it at the original dinner because she had a ton of leftovers to use up. We start with Ree doing a voiceover to the teases of today’s recipes. She says she will be “doctoring up” some “luscious” leftovers. Hopefully she has a thesaurus on her Christmas list because she is really wearing out some of her vocabulary words. The tease that catches my eye is the Panini in the grill that has a huge explosion of grease spurting off the top of it. Surely my eyes deceive me, but no, I rewound and there is actually grease cascading down the sandwich. Looks “luscious”, does it not? She also showcases spring rolls, turkey tetrazzini and smoothies, where she makes a bad pun and her kids just kind of look at her, then we cut to the actual show.

The Pioneer Woman, Fake Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond, Fake Ree Drummond

Yes my friends, that’s grease dripping down the sides of the panini

We start with Ree at The Lodge, clearing the table of a giant turkey platter. She’s wearing some kind of black smock and the place is mostly lit by candles. What a weird effect.

The Pioneer Woman, Fake Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond, Fake Ree Drummond

Cue the Barry White music. “Between the candlelight and my botox injections, don’t you think I’m looking good?”

Then, we cut to sunrise outside The Lodge, then back to Ree inside, now wearing a different black shirtain with a floral design. She is going to make a Panini from leftover turkey for Paige and Alex to share for their lunch. OK, two kids, one sandwich. She uses sourdough bread and puts mustard on two pieces, says she doesn’t want it to be too “gloopy”, then declares that gloopy is one of her favorite words. What? I can list many words that she says ad nauseam, but gloopy isn’t one of them. We get to see a flashback of how she brined the turkey and covered it with butter, which she says makes it “deee-licious”; another flashback of how she made the cranberry sauce, a third flashback to the cornbread dressing, and a fourth to the gravy (this is where they cue the whacky carnival music).

Back to Ree putting a really thick layer of butter on top of the sandwich, she flips it over into the Panini maker, piles even more butter onto the other slice of bread, then closes the top. Again, we are treated to the closeup of butter running down the sandwich and making a grease pool in the Panini maker. Yuck! Cut to the two girls driving in a pickup truck and talking about leftovers, then the sandwich is done – Ree proclaims it “yummy” and “gooey” – she cuts it in two pieces and wraps them in foil. Because it’s such a great idea to make a hot sandwich with a crusty exterior, then wrap it in foil to steam and get soggy. Good one, Ree! She makes some comment about the “Lodge Drive-Thru”, then takes the sandwich out into the ever-present wind storm and hands it into the truck window to the girls. They drive away with a cameraman in the backseat, so we get to see one of them driving and the other one teasing her with the sandwich. At this point, FN puts some kind of warning on the bottom of the screen. I think it might be a warning about not eating while driving a motor vehicle, but it is something about a safe temperature for your refrigerator. Whatever, we are out for the first commercial.

 

In the first break, we get to see a commercial for Thanksgiving Live! next weekend on FN. Ina, Alton, Giada, Bobby Flay. Poor Ree, not invited and the ad is running during her show.

The Pioneer Woman, Fake Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond, Fake Pioneer Woman, Food Network

“And the best news, the fake Pioneer Woman won’t be here this year.”

Back to Ree in the pantry, gathering up vaguely Asian ingredients for her spring rolls. I notice that things aren’t in the same place as last time. Where is all that pasta and tomato sauce? Hmmm. She carries various bottles back to the kitchen island and sloshes random amounts of random ingredients into a bowl. She adds some chopped turkey to the bowl and says something about the flavors being totally different than the day before. Did she used to watch Quick Fix Meals on FN? Because that’s the kind of thing Robin Miller said when she was morphing lasagna meat into taco filling or jerk flank steak into fajitas. Ree opens a package of rice paper wrappers and gives some vague instructions on how to soften them in hot water with no clear time frame or other instruction, then she slops the waterlogged wrapper onto a plate. She stuffs way too much filling into it, then tries to roll it up. Luckily, we cut to a montage of filling and rolling more rolls. She says the rolls will keep all day in the refrigerator for her to snack on. What? She said before this was her lunch. So which is it, Ree? She makes a dipping sauce with more cranberry sauce, soy sauce and hot chili oil, which she proclaims “adventurous”, then she eats a roll to much moaning and eye-rolling. There is a tease for tetrazzini and smoothies, and we are out for a commercial.

the pioneer woman, pioneer woman, fake pioneer woman, ree drummond, fake ree drummond, food network

Good luck rolling up one of these babies without tearing the rice paper.

We are back to Ree carrying a large orange casserole dish to her truck. I recognize the dish as LeCreuset — a quick google search reveals that it is a LeCreuset Heritage Stoneware Rectangular Baking Dish, which retails for $94. Yes, just the kind of thing we all leave at a relative’s house and hope she will remember to return it to us. Ree says she has filled the dish with turkey tetrazzini and is going to pick up the kids, then drive the dish over to Ladd’s grandmother Edna Mae. (Now I want to know what she brought to Ree’s dinner in that dish. Surely not the infamous Escalloped Cabbage of years gone by?) We get another flashback of Ree making the tetrazzini complete with graphic “earlier this afternoon”. She started the sauce in a huge purple LeCreuset dutch oven and we get a new time clock graphic edited in between the steps.

the pioneer woman, pioneer woman, fake pioneer woman, ree drummond, fake ree drummond

“These Le Creuset casseroles weigh a ton. Sure glad my neck muscles were up to the challenge.”

I would pay any amount of money to be in the editing room when the production company is trying to piece this thing together and having to come up with ways to edit it into something watchable. We’ll never know what they had to take out in order to make it make sense but today there was new effort put into editing, that’s for sure. Ree plops a whole block of cream cheese into the sauce (what?) then looks at the camera and says, “If it didn’t look good before, it looks amazing now!” Well, it didn’t look good before and it looks even worse now, so I have no idea why they didn’t change that sequence. Moving on – she plops olives, peas, bacon and cheese into the sauce, dumps cooked spaghetti in, then dumps it all into the orange casserole dish. Honestly, it looks like something a kid made by cleaning out the refrigerator and pouring random stuff into a baking pan. Gross. She congratulates herself on using panko on top. Is that another one of those ingredients that make her feel urban? Then she plops the dish on the top rack of the oven, we cut back to her picking up the kids at her other house, she talks to the dogs, then we see the truck go flying out the gate of the ranch to go to Edna Mae’s house. She is a very small lady and looks like she would barely be able lift the full dish. I went back and checked and she is never actually shown holding the dish, so I bet she really couldn’t lift it. She says she’s having guests for dinner, so she won’t have to eat the whole thing by herself. I am relieved. As the segment is winding up and heading to the commercial break, FN is putting helpful hints up in graphics at the bottom of the screen. As Ree and the kids walk away, there is a graphic about “how to avoid unwanted holiday guests”. The FN editors got in a quick laugh before we cut to commercial.

The Pioneer Woman, pioneer woman, fake pioneer woman, ree drummond, fake ree drummond, food network

No caption necessary, Food Network’s graphic says it all.

Back to the kids cleaning up at The Lodge while Ree makes smoothies. She is standing at the end of the island at a weird angle and the segment is filled with odd edits of the kids doing random chores. Most of what she does is in voiceover, as if she couldn’t talk and make smoothies at the same time. She pours milk into the blender and she has chunks of canned pumpkin frozen in muffin tins and she’s talking and dropping the chunks into the blender. There is another weird edit because she can’t get the pumpkin out of the tin. Don’t they loosen stuff up so it comes out easily on camera? She says to add a small amount of cinnamon – we see sprinkle, sprinkle, PLOP! as she adds a huge amount – then she turns on the blender and proceeds to yell over it.

the pioneer woman, pioneer woman, fake pioneer woman, ree drummond, fake ree drummond

Yuck! Ree purees pumpkin pie in her bid for the infant and nursing home demo.

One of the girls crushes graham crackers in a plastic bag and Ree puts some of the crumbs on top of the smoothies (yuck). She says something about many kids making light work, refers to Brycie-Boy, Paige-y and Toddie. She tells some lame jokes and the kids don’t laugh. Todd says it’s funny, so he gets extra crumbs. They all stand around the island, clinking glasses with Ree saying she’s thankful for them. There is a weird moment with Todd and his pumpkin smoothie moustache – why does he act like such a baby? – and we are out. Another PW episode is in the can.

99 Comments

The Pioneer Woman Parades Away

Parade Magazine, the rag you find stuffed in your local Sunday paper, is the latest publication to cave to the Pioneer Woman’s media machine. Desperate apparently for Thanksgiving material, Parade is featuring the Pioneer Woman and her pinched church recipes on this weekend’s cover. Rest assured, most intelligent people will never confuse Parade’s yellow journalism with the NY Times Sunday Mag’s solid food coverage.

The Pioneer Woman, Pioneer Woman, Fake Pioneer Woman

Up, front and center, the fake Pioneer Woman and her orchestrated image of bliss.

Parade features the familiar, mediocre bunk from another wet-behind-the-ears reporter, Sarah DiGregorio, who’s been skillfully brainwashed and thinks covering Ree Drummond’s red neck persona and the bullshit story behind it will earn accolades from industry peers. DiGregorio even employs familiar descriptive phrases i.e. “wildly popular,” same as every other two-bit journalist who’s covered the Pioneer Woman and her manufactured rise to fame. “Wildly popular?” Says who, Drummond’s publicists?  Earth to Sarah, the first rule of journalism, check your sources.

DiGregorio’s prose shouts that “half of America” has fallen in love with the Pioneer Woman. Really honey? Looks like the other half isn’t so naive. Crowds lining up for Pioneer Woman book signings are shrinking as are the page views for her site. Ree’s fifteen minutes may be ending, at least in the cooking realm. There have been suggestions, rumors if you will, that she’s shopping a lifestyle show to other networks, one that would focus less on Ree’s inabilities in the kitchen and more on ranch life. We’ll see.

Don’t forget to mark your calendars for the highly anticipated Facebook Chat with Ree, this Tuesday, Nov. 19 at 12:30 pm ET. Her paid trolls and plants will be out in full force with fake questions and interest.

In the meantime, enjoy the weekend. Stay tuned for Vera’s recap and by Wednesday, we hope to post the latest about the Pioneer Woman’s beleaguered first cousin, Thatcher Drummond.  A heartfelt thanks goes out to “Mary in Tulsa” for sending the update.

 

79 Comments

The Pioneer Woman Show – 16 Minute Scrumptious Meals Recap

Thanks to Vera for her very astute recap of Saturday’s Pioneer Woman 16 Minute Scrumptious Meals episode or as HarperCollins would say, a preview of Drummond’s upcoming 2015 crookbook.  Pity poor Missy who stood in as this week’s patsy.

Vera’s Recap

Saturday, Ree showed us several recipes that she deems “lifesavers” because they are ready in 16 minutes. No explanation of why 16 minutes or how they would actually save anybody’s life. We start with Ree in The Lodge wearing a very bright blue and purple blouse. She says that everybody else is working – her family and her husband’s brother’s family – so she and her sister-in-law Missy are going to have a relaxed lunch together. I am sure all the others, who are supposedly outdoors doing hard ranch work, are so happy that these two ladies of leisure are able to kick back and enjoy a relaxed lunch.

The Pioneer Woman

Hmmmm, what’s in here that I can use in my next cookbook?

 

She starts off by putting two huge chicken breasts in an iron skillet and sprinkling taco seasoning on them. She brags about getting them into the pan without touching them and says something about how wonderful taco seasoning is, since you don’t have to mess with a lot of other flavorings. Personally, I think taco seasoning tastes like salt (since that’s the main ingredient) and I don’t even use it to make tacos, but obviously, I am not Ree. She moves on to talk about the wonders of bottled salad dressing and how you can add other things to jarred ranch dressing to make it into whatever kind of dressing you like. Have her producers been watching old episodes of Semi-Homemade Cooking? Because taco seasoning and doctoring up packaged foods were two of Sandra Lee’s favorite tricks. We jump to a flashback of the salad dressing doctoring. Ree adds blue cheese, herbs, sun dried tomatoes and salsa to four different dishes of ranch dressing, which makes them look just as bad as you think they would. Sorry, but I hate ranch dressing and adding blue cheese to it doesn’t make it blue cheese dressing. Adding other ingredients to turn it green or pink is just gross. We cut to Missy driving a huge white SUV towards Ree’s house. Jump back to Ree with some raw ears of corn that she’s going to grill for the salad. But first, she wants to add some flavor, so she rolls them around in the greasy pan where she cooked the chicken. What? Did she ever say what the chicken was cooked in? I actually rewound and checked – she just dropped the two chicken breasts into an inch of grease in the skillet. A quick side trip to FN’s website confirms that it was a quarter cup of vegetable oil and two tablespoons of butter, to cook two boneless skinless chicken breasts. Wow, that’s a lot of oil to brown some chicken. And now she’s rolling the corn on the cob around in it? Yuck! The corn is moved from the frying pan to a grill pan and we speed up to a montage of her quickly prepping the other salad ingredients (thank God, since she has no discernible knife skills and her stabbing at ingredients with that Japanese knife is painful to watch). She takes the corn off the grill pan and crows about the grill marks on it, although she is holding it up to the camera and it has no grill marks that I can see. There is some blather about her and Missy and how much they love “girl talk” (why do I think she really means gossip?), more salad prep, then Missy arrives. She comes into the kitchen and makes a comment about the salad being healthy and Ree laughs and dumps a bunch of broken tortilla chips on top of it. That will teach you, Missy! They haul the salad outside into the perpetual windstorm and sit at that same picnic table on the porch. A long shot of Ree and Missy shows that they are roughly the same size and both wearing billowy tops that are now flowing in the wind and, yeah, I doubt either one of them has ever done a hard day’s work in her life. Missy is telling some inane story about the first time she met Ree and she ordered a restaurant meal of a chicken omelet that tasted like fish – yeah, I didn’t get it either, but they both laughed like it was the funniest thing, ever, and we are out to the first commercial.

 

We are back to Ree, in the pantry showcasing all her jarred sauces and dried pasta. Now, she is wearing a different pink flowy top. She enters the kitchen and talks about how she has to make a quick lunch so she can run out and pick up her boys. Yeah, because that camera crew just happened to show up and film this quick segment and they are going to stand around and wait while you go off to do errands. OK, then. She says she going to make a pasta dish that’s meat-free and the whacky carnival music kicks in. She’s going to cook onions and garlic in olive oil and butter. She throws the onion into the pan; literally, it bounces. She’s talking about her website and the most popular recipes, which are the quick meals, and she starts again about “lifesavers”. She’s really appealing to her audience’s sense of desperation, although I don’t know how telling people to cook pasta and jarred sauce is some magical solution. Don’t most people already know this? She dumps a jar of roasted red peppers into the frying pan and they are popping like crazy. The heat is too high, Ree! She finally notices and turns the flame down a bit but, geez, doesn’t she know you don’t have to cook everything on high? She moves the now-fried peppers and onions into a blender, claps the top on and hits the puree button. No warning about the pressure build up from the heat, no loosening of the small cap in the blender lid, no towel on top. I am waiting for the blender to explode, but no such luck. She yells over the noise of the blender about the color of the sauce. Yes, it’s pink, OK, Ree, calm down. She pours the sauce out of the blender and back into the skillet, which is still screaming hot, so it is popping like crazy. She dumps chicken stock, heavy cream, chopped herbs and parmesan cheese into the pan – what, no green can parm? – then drags the insert out of the pasta pan across the counter, slopping water all the way. She serves up a plate of pasta and takes it outside to the table in the wind tunnel. I have to pause the recording and gag, because one of her dogs is SITTING ON TOP OF THE TABLE! Gross! It’s a basset hound – do you know how bad they smell?! And she sits the plate down right in front of the dog and eats and talks to the dog up close. Oh, thank God they cut to commercial, so I can pull myself together.

The Pioneer Woman

Do you think this top will sell in my new Pawhuska Shirtain Boutique?

 

The Pioneer Woman

Sometimes Botox works and sometimes it doesn’t.

Back to The Lodge, Ree is in a black shirtain, frying hamburger in a pan. She says she’s making French bread pizzas for the family and she using mini-baguettes but they are really deli rolls. Well, which is it? Apparently I have not fully recovered from the dog-on-the-table thing because I can’t really follow what she’s doing. They keep cutting back and forth from her putting various and sundry things onto the rolls and Ladd and two kids driving in from someplace and the other two kids playing in the yard. She puts sliced mozzarella on most of the rolls – apparently the cheese selection at her local store has improved significantly? – and ham and pineapple on some and marinara and ground beef for a taco pizza? That one will get chopped lettuce on top, then she puts jarred pesto on one and she’s going to make a chopped Greek salad to put on another. The chopping and the pizza making and the cutting back and forth to Ladd and the kids are all done at such a frenetic pace, I can’t keep up. She loads all the bread with stuff on top onto a pan and bangs it into the oven. Yes, she literally bangs it and, yes, it’s on the top rack in the oven. Some things never change. Out to commercial.

 

The Pioneer Woman

Who said you can’t dump a bunch of shit on french bread and call it pizza?

Back to Ladd and two kids still riding in a truck, talking about how they haven’t eaten all day. Well, where were they? Why didn’t they eat while they were out? What??? Cut to the other kids tossing a football in the yard. Each pair is a boy and a girl but they all look alike to me and I really don’t care enough to figure out who is who. Back in the kitchen, Ree makes the chopped salad and the family arrives via the back door. They all line up around the kitchen island and grab the limp, droopy pizzas made on soft deli rolls (there’s a reason you are supposed to use French bread, Ree!) and they stand in the kitchen and eat. The End.

 

There is no explanation given at all as to why 16 minutes. Does she have a book in the works and this is an early PR effort for that? In what way does a salad, a bowl of pasta or a droopy pizza constitute a meal? Is that really all they eat when they are supposedly starving from not eating all day? Why all the costume changes? She used to wear the same thing through the whole show. Are they piecing together out-takes to make extra episodes? And where did all these new episodes come from? Wasn’t she supposed to go into reruns a while ago? Inquiring minds want to know, Ree!

 

178 Comments

The Pioneer Woman Show – Vera’s Recap of Tex-Mex For Cowboys

Vera’s Recap of Tex-Mex for Cowboys

The intro segment is several minutes of sweaty cowboy work. We start in the dark (how unusual!) as various family members get on horseback and set out to get some cows. Well, that’s what Ladd says they are doing. I have no idea, I just see a random bunch of kids and adults on horseback in the dark. The sun rises, and we cut to Ree in The Lodge making ice cream. Because that’s what most people do, they make homemade ice cream for a random weekday lunch. Well, OK, then. She starts off with the mixer running full speed while she yells over it. No, yelling does not improve her voice at all. Something about cinnamon sticks and vanilla beans and nine egg yolks. An in depth description of tempering the eggs, then she pours various ingredients into a saucepan to cook, then goes across the kitchen to get a huge jar of cinnamon out of a drawer. This is when I notice that she’s wearing another black shirtain with multicolor floral embroidery on the front and her hair is slicked back into a little limp ponytail that sticks straight out of the back of her head. The bat-wing bangs are still in place and the whole effect is just…unattractive. Back at the stove, Ree pours the now-cooked custard through a strainer. In spite of her explanation of the minutiae of cooking custard so that the eggs don’t scramble, the custard that goes into the strainer looks suspiciously like scrambled eggs. Hmmm. Next she adds a large container of heavy cream to the custard, waxes rhapsodic about cinnamon flavored ice cream, then talks about how she says every flavor is her favorite, but this one really is. Really! The custard goes into a huge black ice cream maker machine, then we cut to Ladd talking about cows, sounding like he has a mouth full of marbles. Back to Ree, who is now going to make fajitas, both chicken and beef. She has the meat already in plastic bags and she’s going to make a marinade. She puts some of the expected ingredients for a fajita marinade into the blender, but she loses me when she adds Worcestershire sauce (what? That doesn’t go in fajitas!). The marinade is dumped into the bags, Ree makes some kind of explanation of how the meat needs to be covered in the marinade but not submerged (what ?), the bags go into the refrigerator, then we cut to the first commercial.

We are back to Ree taking the ice cream maker apart. She leaves a huge amount on the paddle that she takes out, then puts the ice cream into a glass dish to go into the freezer. She says you have to really smear the ice cream into the pan – that’s the kind of food I like, food that’s been smeared! – then we cut back to the people with the cows. Ladd is telling the kids to make noise and wave their arms, then we go back to Ree rinsing some beans. She has trouble getting the faucet doohickey to work right. It’s one of those deals where the spray nozzle pulls out of the main faucet and she’s talking and looking at the camera and fumbling around with it. She says she let the beans soak overnight and tries to explain why, but I don’t think she really knows. She says if you don’t soak them, they will take a little bit longer to cook (actually they’ll take a lot longer to cook) and she basically hems and haws and then says it doesn’t matter. The beans go onto the stove, she adds a bunch of chopped vegetables, then dumps in seasonings without measuring. Hope you never accidentally dump in too much, Ree. Of course, that never happens, right? She babbles a bit about cumin and makes a joke about liking it in everything and mentions cumin pancakes (yuck) and then describes the beans as glorious. Is that her new vocabulary word? Pay attention because apparently it’s the word of the day. Cut back to Ladd explaining that they have six adults and six kids working with the cows. We are treated to lots of closeup shots of cows running through mud and we are out to commercial.

Back to more trucks, more Ladd, more cows. Then we jump to Ree making cinnamon crisps in the only flashback of the day. Sugar and cinnamon in a bowl, butter on flour tortillas, slam them into the oven, then we go to more cow footage. Back to Ree outside at the grill, where she is putting meat on the grill and declaring it glorious. There is a voiceover about cheese, sour cream, pico de gallo, salsa, lettuce and limes, all backed up by that same whacky carnival music her producers love so much. She puts a bunch of sliced onions and peppers into a huge grill pan to cook on the grill, but manages to lose several pieces over the side. She has the dogs with her and she babbles a little about them, then we go to another commercial.

More trucks, more hauling cows (how much of this footage have we seen today? Lots!) Some back and forth between Ree in the kitchen and the workers loading into pickup trucks to come to The Lodge. Ree slicing meat that she once again declares glorious. Lots of shots of people riding in the open backs of pickup trucks. Closeup of the really ugly gray beans in the pot, the people start to arrive. Ladd tells them outside to take their boots off! What? Have you been reading my recaps, Ladd? I think so! The people come in the back of the kitchen and take their hats off! And they line up at the sink and they all wash their hands! Now I know for sure they’ve been paying attention! They load up plates, sit down at the table, eat, chew loudly, talk with their mouths full and lick their fingers, demonstrating that they still have lots of room for improvement. Ree talks about somebody being the tiredest, which I don’t think is a real word, then they eat the ice cream with the cinnamon tortillas on top. There is a very odd edit at the end, as they cut from people eating to people carrying their dishes to the kitchen, then son Todd is at the sink washing dishes. Well, rinsing them, as I am sure there is a dishwasher in The Lodge. Then the credits roll and we are out.

 

184 Comments

The Pioneer Woman Forced to Cancel Boston Crookbook Signing

Ah, poor Ree, the world simply doesn’t revolve around her fake Pioneer Woman shenanigans. There will be no signing in Boston tonight.  Little things like the World Series, President Obama being in town and a televised Bruins game have forced the faux little ol’ ranch wife to confront the cold hard truth…most Bostonians don’t give a rat’s ass about her or her holiday crookbook. Yes Ree, Bostonians have more important things to do than see you this evening.

By all accounts, Ree’s hand was forced on this one, either she could reschedule or move forward as planned, running the risk of colossal embarrassment when no one showed. Morons like @recipegirl took their frustrations to Twitter.  How dare the Boston Red Sox play a World Series game the same night as a Pioneer Woman book signing.  Yep, like anyone knew about the conflict ahead of time.  What an effing dolt!

For those who missed this morning’s Today Show cooking segment, here’s the video.  Note the shirtain sleeves being dragged through food and Drummond’s annoying delivery.  Thankfully NBC cut her short and went to something waaaaay more interesting.  Will the Pioneer Woman ever establish any comfort level with a camera? Probably not.  Pity Natalie Morales and Matt Lauer who drew the short straws for this segment:

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

And finally, we’d be remiss if we didn’t share this weeping reeple’s blog post.  Seems the Pioneer Woman’s recipe for Dr. Pepper cupcakes one that’s available all over the Internet brought this poor woman to her knees.  Folks, we can’t make this stuff up.

 

 

 

194 Comments

The Pioneer Woman Sweet Deliveries – Vera’s Recap

Thank you Vera for another excellent Pioneer Woman show recap.  And set those DVRs for this Friday, November 1.  Ree is scheduled to appear on ABC’s The Chew, presumably alongside Daphne Oz, to demo a Thanksgiving recipe courtesy of Bartlesville, Oklahoma church cookbooks.  Oh, and if you’re a plan ahead kind of person, set your DVRs for March or April 2015, the projected release for the fake Pioneer Woman’s fourth crookbook.

Vera’s Recap

Saturday’s episode – Sweet Deliveries. I have been spoiled for this episode because I already know it is going to feature tooth-achingly sweet desserts and much footage of Ree driving around in a filthy pickup truck. Thank goodness I knew this going in because it was all that and more.

We open with Ree declaring it is going to be an epic day of making desserts, then taking pictures of cakes with a huge camera, then driving around handing boxes of desserts out of her truck window. She says Paige is going to help her reboot marshmallow pops. Yeah, Ree, you sound so cool when you use that techie jargon /eyeroll. Next, we see Ree and Paige driving through a suburban neighborhood and Paige being dropped off at some heretofore unseen girl’s house with a foil wrapped brick, studded with marshmallow pops. As Ree drives away, she tells them to “save one for me!”. What? I doubt she missed the opportunity to scarf down a couple during the making of them. Cut to flashback #1, the “pop makeover”. Ree explains how to get the marshmallow onto the stick with a level of detail more appropriate to how to perform brain surgery, then Ree and Paige smash a bunch of cookies and graham crackers inside plastic bags into crumbs – when Ree grabs the rolling pin out of Paige’s hand and does it herself, I cringe a bit – then we move on to Ree explaining the importance of having all the ingredients ready at the same time. I feel like I am flashing back to vintage Sandra Lee here, between the Technicolor “chocolate” that must have been purchased at the craft store, the Aunt Sandy – Miss Stephanie moment between Ree and Paige, and the sheer ludicrousness of someone who doesn’t know how to cook, explaining cooking to other people who don’t know how to cook, while the rest of us look on in horror. Ree sounds like she is talking to elementary school children. She talks about “customizing” the pops and how important it is to not let the chocolate coating get too dry because the other stuff won’t stick. Well, duh, just how stupid are these Reeple, anyway? I’m getting mighty suspicious here. Anyway, she takes some pictures of Paige modeling while holding the foil covered foam brick and the pops, we cut back to the truck, and we’re out to the first commercial.

The Pioneer Woman

Chocolate Covered Marshmallows…Yes, We Need A Cooking Show For This.

 

Back for more truck driving and Ree declaring that she needs to get rid of these sweets. Wow, the people receiving them must be so flattered! Before the second delivery, we get another flashback to how she made lime butter cookies. A tight closeup of how to separate an egg, then a detailed explanation of how to cut a lemon and a lime in half in order to get the juice out. Then she uses coconut extract – another Sandra Lee favorite! Ree says to mix the dough just until the flour is incorporated, as we get a closeup of the pasty overworked dough in her mixer. She explains how to use a cookie scoop, then we have a fast forward of dough balls appearing on cookie sheets. Thank God they decided to fast forward, because this detailed instruction is plucking my nerves. Who among us doesn’t know how to use a cookie scoop??? The pans of cookie dough get tossed into the oven (more like thrown; the pan actually bounces), then it’s back to Ree in the truck, then back to the kitchen to make glaze for the cookies. The glaze starts with raw egg whites (gag!) plus a huge amount of powdered sugar, then she beats it into a glaze. I have another Sandra Lee flashback when she demonstrates in detail how to put the glaze on the cookies with a back-and-forth motion. That was featured in Aunt Sandy’s opening credits! Now it’s back to the truck, Ree drives up to her father’s house and has an awkward encounter with her stepmother, then out to commercial.

The Pioneer Woman

Maybe The Pioneer Woman’s Surgeon Daddy Can Get The Hired Help To Wash Her Truck.

We are back again to the filthy truck driving through a suburban commercial area and there is a man on horseback along the side of the road. (What?)Then it’s another flashback to Ree making a thin chocolate cake in a jelly roll pan, which she calls a sheet cake, but whatever. Then, in a PW first, it’s a flashback within a flashback, as we see how the cake was made. She boiled some chocolate and other stuff until it looked like it was about to run over, then dumped some stuff into one of those famous mixing bowls with the raised fruit pattern, then gave explicit instructions on how to stir the cake batter. Is she planning on this being shown to elementary school children or what? She dumps the cake batter onto the pan and says something about licking the bowl. Because it’s just too much trouble to scrape all the batter onto the cake pan? She slams the cake pan into the oven (another bounce!), we cut back to the truck, then back to the kitchen for detailed instructions on how to cut the cakes into circles, another Sandra Lee moment, since she loved to cut stuff into shapes and throw the excess food into the trash, then Ree makes the most bizarre filling ever. Seriously, she cooked flour and milk, let it cool, poured vanilla on top of the solid mass, whipped butter and granulated sugar, then mixed it all together. I sat there in dumbfounded horror. Seriously, that would be so grainy, so sweet, so gross, I was struck speechless. Luckily, we went to another commercial, so I had time to pull myself together.

Last segment, we are back for Ree driving the filthy red truck and announcing that she is arriving back in Pawhuska. What? So where was she before? Don’t care; moving on. Another flashback to cake assembly – cake circles, piping bag, filling in, another flashback within a flashback (two in one show?) to make semi-sweet chocolate ganache, then back to frost the cakes. My teeth are already aching at the cakes, the filling, and the ganache, but it’s not sweet enough for Ree! She adds three maraschino cherries to each cake! We get some more assembly line editing, more photo-taking, then cut to Ladd’s father standing in his driveway. Ree drives up, not wearing her seatbelt, and hands him two foil pans of the cakes through the truck window. Then Ree drives up to Hyacinth’s house, where Hy and two boys are standing in front of the house and Ree also hands them foil containers out the truck window. We see some back-and-forth editing of all of these people eating the cakes, talking with their mouths full and moaning, then it’s back to Ree in the truck. It’s dark now – just how long did it take to get all these shots? The credits roll and she says “One more delivery – my house!” Huh? Well thank goodness that’s over and I did not actually fall into a diabetic coma. But I’m not going to be able to eat anything sweet for a while and I may have to get my teeth cleaned. I’m just saying, there was an awful lot of sugar in that show.

95 Comments

The Pioneer Woman – More Crookbooks for QVC Suckers

In case you blinked and missed the Pioneer Woman’s mercifully brief QVC appearance earlier this month, she’s baaaaaaaaaaaack. Yes indeedy, the little ol’ huckster returns on Sunday to share the stage with QVC’s resident buffoon, David Venable and shill more holiday crookbooks. Don’t expect any shout outs, much less a thank you, to the Bartlesville area churches from whom the Pioneer Woman lifted most of the recipes. After dancing with Dave, Ree and her shirtains head out to New York City for the talk show circuit and the start of her book-signing frenzy.

The Pioneer Woman. Ree Drummond,

The Pioneer Woman and David Venable Hawk Holiday Crookbooks

Seems like it was just yesterday, March 2012 to be exact, when the Pioneer Woman was hawking her second crookbook to the reeple throngs. Compared to last time though, media attention for this holiday yawner is down significantly. Only a handful of bloggers who received advance copies in exchange for positive reviews are peeing themselves. In the end, we’re certain TWOP’s “Smiley13” will come through for Ree, defending the Pioneer Woman’s honor and recommending every last one of her pinched concoctions.

Seriously, all we could locate in the blogosphere was this, this and this.  Notably absent from the brown nosing fest is Girly Girl Cooks, the 2011 Gold Medal winner for PW Ass Kissing.

*A heartfelt thanks to MW reader “Theresa” for coining the apropos term “crookbook.”

125 Comments

The Pioneer Woman – Vera’s Show Recap 10-12-2013

This week’s episode: Make Ahead Marvels. This title might lead you to believe that there would be some rhyme or reason to the recipes chosen, some kind of “stock the freezer, refrigerator or pantry” plan, or some logic to what would be considered a Make Ahead Marvel. I don’t know, something that might store well or be improved by reheating? Maybe they had some kind of plan like that, but apparently it got tossed out the window somewhere. This episode felt like a bunch of random recipes, maybe stuff that didn’t make the cut for another episode, that was edited together to make this show. Maybe during the rush to get new episodes cut together during the panic that ensued when Ree’s second Saturday timeslot was supposed to go to Trisha Yearwood or Amy Thielen or however that whole scheduling snafu went down? Anyway, it looks like they cobbled a bunch of random segments together and the result was Make Ahead Marvels.

We begin in the kitchen at The Lodge, where Ree is cutting kernels off some ears of corn that have been grilled. She says she is making dip for Alex to take to her friend Megan’s house. Ree is wearing some kind of light blue patterned wrap top, which I find distracting, because it looks suspiciously like a really ugly bathrobe my mother had in the 70’s that my sister and I made fierce fun of. Anyway, Ree has a bunch of chopped onions, garlic, peppers, etc., that she tosses into a pan, then she starts talking about Alex’s friend. The plot thickens when she reveals that this Megan is actually Hyacinth’s daughter. OK, I was wondering how Alex would have a friend from outside the family/ranch circle and now I know. Back to the corn, Ree is rambling about how, if you don’t have ears of corn, you can use frozen corn, or if you have the ears and don’t want to grill it, you can just cut it off and use it raw. What? Wouldn’t that affect the finished product? She dumps mayo, sour cream, cream cheese, grated Monterrey jack cheese, canned chilies, some other crap into a pan. She points out that she’s using an 8×8 baking dish. But, of course, rather than use a plain old Pyrex dish that anyone might have sitting around the kitchen, she uses a Le Creuset ceramic dish that retails between $37 and $45. She really does take advantage of that deal she has with Le Creuset! The pan is covered with foil, then she says she has to pick up Alex. Pick her up where? Oh, I get it, Ree’s at The Lodge, so she has to drive a truck to her other house to get Alex. Such a bother, having all those houses! She finds Alex sitting outside, then they drive to Hy’s. Along the way, there is mention that some boy whose name I didn’t catch would be there with his guitar. Cut to Hy’s house, there are actually two boys there with Megan, Ree leaves and Hy and the kids eat the corn dip. The two boys are total Eddie Haskell types. (“Yes, Mrs. Kane, No, Mrs. Kane, what a lovely blouse, Mrs. Kane” Gag.) Hy is wearing a low cut top and leans over the kids and I have to look away because her cleavage is almost in the one kid’s face. Then we cut to the four kids sitting on lounge chairs by a pool and one of the way-too-preppy boys is strumming a guitar, and they are all singing some church song that I forgot to write down. It may have been Amazing Grace, I don’t think it was Kumbaya, whatever, it just struck me as really, really odd. As we left for the commercial break, I was thinking how the whole scenario was like a long-ago episode of Dallas, where Lucy had some supposedly good kids over to SouthFork and they all ended up smoking pot or having an orgy or something. Whatever, we are out for commercial, thank goodness.

Back to The Lodge, where Ree is frying a huge amount of ground beef in a dutch oven. She’s says she’s making meat sauce and started with five pounds of hamburger and sausage. Well, OK, that won’t be greasy at all. She takes the meat out of the pan and we get a closeup of all the grease in the bottom. She adds olive oil, onion and green pepper. Then she pours in some white wine! Whoa, wait a minute, just last week she had to substitute chicken broth in pizza sauce because of her family’s intense sensitivity to wine! What is going on? There is also whacky carnival music playing in the background, so the weirdness just continues. She adds several cans of tomato sauce and paste, pronouncing it toe-mah-TUHS more than once. Maybe she does think mispronouncing words is cute? I have no other explanation. Then she adds the secret ingredient – a jar of spaghetti sauce! This is also something she has done before. If this isn’t actual recycled footage, it is certainly a recycled recipe. The jar label is hidden but it looks suspiciously like Rao’s, which retails for almost $10 a jar. If I was going to use Rao’s I would just use it straight up. If it isn’t good enough to eat right out of the jar, I wouldn’t pay $10 for it. She adds some dusty looking powdered spices and a handful of sugar (Just a pinch! Not quite.) Then she dumps the meat back in and makes a comment about the pan maybe not being big enough to hold all the meat and sauce. Just barely and no room left to stir, so the bottom will burn while the rest is hardly cooked? Yuck. Now she shows us that she has used a huge spaghetti pot with draining insert to cook one portion of spaghetti. This is her snack? So she says. She manages to find some actual parmesan to grate onto it. What happened to her favorite green can parm? She takes the plate outside to eat in the ever-present windstorm and voiceovers a bunch of random clips from other shows. These are other recipes that use the meat sauce and it’s a favorite trick of the production team. Ina does it all the time and it’s annoying on her show, too. Either demo the recipe or don’t but quit with the voiceovers and re-edits. Ree teases a beef sandwich that’s in the next segment, and we cut to commercial.

Back to Ree driving a red pickup truck with her two sons in the back seat. She intros a flashback, then we see her make the beef that will be the sandwich filling. Apparently this is one of Hyacinth’s recipes that Ree has “improved” and she proceeds to dis Hy’s recipe. The original had dried Italian seasoning and Ree uses fresh rosemary instead because she just thinks it tastes so much better. OK, switching out a spice blend and replacing it with one spice, I’m not sure how that’s an improvement. She also dumps in an entire jar of pepperoncini and its juice. I cannot even imagine what that would taste like cooked and I don’t think I want to find out. She’s says she is going to stir the pan, she pokes at the meat a little bit, cut back to her talking while driving the truck, then cut to commercial.

Now she’s back in the kitchen, making sandwiches out of the reheated beef that she pulled from the refrigerator. She is wearing some kind of horizontal striped muu-muu thing that kind of looks like a bedspread. I just now realize she has had different clothes on in each segment, which adds to my suspicion that this is really a clip show, disguised as a new episode. She shows how she took the layer of congealed fat off the top of the pan before she reheated it. We also get to see a closeup of how she took about half of the gelled beef broth and threw it away with the fat. What a waste. The meat gets reheated, she cuts the tops off of some hoagie rolls, she dips the beef onto the rolls and sticks the tops back on. No cheese, no condiments, no side dishes, not even a little bag of potato chips? All they get for lunch is a sandwich? The kids take the sandwiches off camera somewhere and Ree looks at the camera and sighs about how these sandwiches are “a lifesaver on days like this”. Days like what? When you have to drive two kids around on random errands between your multiple ranch houses and you feel obligated to stop and feed them a sandwich?  What??? Anyway, we are out and another bizarre episode of Ree-on-the-ranch is in the can.

At some point in the first segment, Ree points out again how Ladd and Hyacinth’s families have been friends for 5 generations or something. This makes my mind wander: were Ladd and Hyacinth supposed to end up together? Did they have some kind of arranged relationship and Ree was the interloper? Do “society” families still push for “arranged marriages” where kids from various wealthy families end up married to each other? That would certainly keep the money closely guarded and not dilute the fortunes too much. And who were those two boys? Were they hired from central casting or were they actually scions of other wealthy families who Ree and Hy think would make appropriate sons-in-law? The whole first segment was just so weird. Even weirder than usual, and that’s really saying something.

 

275 Comments

The Pioneer Woman – A Shameless Huckster

Let the dog and pony show begin. As the release date approaches for the Pioneer Woman’s third faux cookbook in four years, the masses she panders to are already planning their book signing crusades. Appearances on morning shows are lined up, Al Roker has scheduled his vacation and it’s high time for Daphne Oz to pay up on The Chew. Ree’s latest vanity pursuit, courtesy of William Morrow, has once again blurred the lines between a serious culinary undertaking and a family photo album peppered with lifted recipes and farm animals. Actually, it’s all part of Ree’s carefully crafted business plan—publish her fake lifestyle online and in print—similar to the one presented to Bobby Flay, when she groveled for a cooking show and Food Network ultimately sold out.

Going forward, publishing Pioneer Woman “cookbooks” has moved into the express lane with Drummond rushing books to print every 18 months or so. Informed sources are already suggesting she’s fast at work on a fourth tribute to herself, something along the lines of “16-Minute Meals” with a projected publishing date of early 2015. Yes Ree, your people talk.

Watch this YouTube promo as the shameless huckster shills another collection of Pioneer Woman bullshit featuring four kinds of potato skins, Betty Crocker’s dulce de leche brownies and my all time personal favorite, bacon-wrapped club crackers.  For serious cooks not interested in Ree’s redneck cuisine, check out these Zagats recommendations.

For those hankering for a bacon-wrapped club cracker, here’s the recipe as published in the 1971 Company Fare  from Bartlesville, Oklahoma’s First Presbyterian Church:

Bacon Bow ties renamed Sweet & Savory Bacon Crackers in her upcoming Holiday Book

Bacon Bow ties renamed Sweet & Savory Bacon Crackers in The Pioneer Woman’s upcoming Holiday Book

 

How to Steal From Church Cookbooks and Make Millions by The Pioneer Woman

How to Steal From Church Cookbooks and Make Millions… by The Pioneer Woman

130 Comments