The Pioneer Woman Invades Austin for BlogHer Food 2013

Batten down the hatches Austin. Your fair city’s being inundated with teeming throngs of Pioneer Woman reeple, women who have journeyed long and far to rub shoulders with a phony as big as the state of Texas. The Austin Hilton, host of BlogHer Food 2013, promises non-stop adulation opportunities for these wannabes. Over on Twitter, it’s already a feeding frenzy as the slobbering worshipers line up for photos with Ree Drummond, the fraud behind the Pioneer Woman hoax. These gals can’t post to Instagram fast enough so all their buddies can see what gullible morons they are.

We had to chuckle when we saw this photo, which we cropped for editing purposes. There are seven women crowding into this shot with what looks to be a pregnant Ree Drummond. Not certain if that’s the situation or if it’s all the butter and cream the Pioneer Woman consumes on a regular basis.

Is the Pioneer Woman pregnant?

Is Ree Drummond pregnant?

 

Ahead of the Pioneer Woman’s arrival, her publicists issued press releases to Austin’s media outlets with the same, tired worn tale how being raised on Bartlesville, Oklahoma’s one golf course qualifies Ree as a city dweller. We’ll update this post with videos of her appearances as they become available.  On second thought, we probably won’t unless the little ol’ ranch wife goes off script from her usual canned responses.

Here’s the agenda for the conference.  Ree’s seminar on “How to Deceive Your Followers and Earn a Million Bucks Annually” didn’t make the cut this year.

 

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The Pioneer Woman | Open Topic

Food Network B.C.C. before canned crap

We love to browse sales tables at the local Barnes & Noble looking for cooking gems. Recently I snagged this treasure for less than four bucks. Published in 2003, before Bob Tuschman assumed the Food Network helm and began his reign of culinary terror, this book hails from the days of yore, when Food Network featured actual cooking shows hosted by trained chefs, as opposed to a bored, post-partum-depressed Ree Drummond and her train wreck Pioneer Woman show.

Food Network Kitchens Cookbook 002

Slush Pile Hell

What happened to The Pioneer Woman movie? Looks like Reese Witherspoon’s agent successfully prevailed upon her client to reject this mediocre movie-of-the-week project that’s been “in the works” for years. The last we read, the original screen writer had resigned and another had been hired. From the looks of things, Reese is so busy these days, she won’t have time nor the inclination to attach her name to such frivolity.

Jaden Stinks Up Twitter

Remember Jaden of Steamy Kitchen fame, the woman who took pictures of herself jumping up and down on a bed at the Drummond ranch? What’s up with this moron? Can she not lick the pioneer woman’s butt enough? Now she’s co-hosting a hospitality suite with the fake little ol’ ranch wife at next month’s BlogHerFood convention in Austin.  Get over it Reeple, entry to this suite is by invitation only.

How Austin,  a culture singularly defined for its edginess, ended up hosting a Joel Osteen-like crowd of women who pay to sit in the same hotel conference room with Ree Drummond remains to be seen.  A sad day for Austin indeed. Too bad the city’s bars and clubs, known for their avant garde music scene, won’t see much revenue from this crowd.

Photographer, Shane Bevel aka Tulsa, OK suck up

Have you guys seen these purportedly “professional” pics of the faux Pioneer Woman? Ree’s face looks like a PhotoShopped cross between her own and one or maybe both of her daughters. I didn’t have time to read much about this guy’s background other than on GOMI, where Bevel reportedly accused GOMI of being an image thief. Ostensibly these were taken for LHJ,  another mag that succumbed to Ree’s publicists after being inundated with press releases. One caption would fit all these shots:

“Hi, my name’s Ree. Don’t I look purty? My hiney is absolutely tingling at how good I look.  I totally want to be a food celebrity just like Ina Garten. The only difference is I don’t have near as much money as she, but I have enough to hire publicists to promote my talentless ass and local photographers to make me look Reely good.“

The WSJ’s Ellen Byron follows in Amanda Fortini’s footsteps

With the Pioneer Woman’s next cookbook in the loosest sense of the word slated for a Fall release, her publicists are moving into high gear flooding the media with press releases about Ree growing up on a golf course and lassoing a cowboy.  The Wall Street Journal’s Ellen Byron is the latest suck-up to write a fairy tale about the fairy tale, one no doubt billed to Susanna and Meg’s expense account.

For those unable to get past the WSJ pay wall, here’s an interview with the author:

The Pioneer Woman | Open Topic

We’re starting a new feature here at The Marlboro Woman. Called “Open Topic,” we’ll keep comments open between posts so readers can post whatever’s on their mind about the fake Pioneer Woman. All we ask, please don’t insult our intelligence and keep the topic about Ree.  Comments such as “she’s so yucky” are not only immature, but are at best tweeted. If you think she’s yucky, tell us why. When commenting, please keep in mind this site is for discussions of Ree Drummond, her phoniness and the fabricated Pioneer Woman image. If you’re a fence rider, an employee of the Pioneer Woman or one of those Reeple pinheads who live their lives vicariously thru this imposter, spare us the hate, bullying, jealous diatribes. Your comment will be deleted.

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The Pioneer Woman Cooks | A Year of Holidays

Here’s a sneak peek of the cover of the Pioneer Woman’s upcoming mock cookbook.  What the hell are those objects on her shoulders supposed to be?  Feathers? Wings? A dead animal perhaps? And why does Ree Drummond feel the need to blur her children in the background?  Oh yeah, so every one can focus on her.  This is one bad Photoshopped pic.

The Pioneer Woman's Mock Cookbook

Ree Drummond, PhotoShopped to the hilt, on the cover of her upcoming bogus cookbook.

 

View image on Twitter


What Ree Drummond really looks like… un-PhotoShopped.

Soon the hand-picked Reeple will be receiving advance copies so they can race to their blogs and drool over it. Watch the Ree hopefuls come out of the woodwork as they prepare each and every filched recipe while posting glowing accounts.  But for postage costs,  this is how the Pioneer Woman and HarperCollins drive pre-sales and garner free advertising.  That and Ladd Drummond buying up huge quantities to falsely inflate the sales stats.  

 

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The Pioneer Woman Reeple Rejects

If you think the Reeple have cornered the market on Pioneer Woman worship, think again. A year or so ago, I honestly don’t remember when, we did some housekeeping here at The Marlboro Woman. A handful of commenters, who parked here and regularly aired their subdued opposition to The Pioneer Woman, were shown the door when they voiced their hardcore disapproval of our barbed critiques, particularly our Sheeple of the Week feature.

In the aftermath, I’ve received numerous emails about fence riding comments appearing on TWoP’s Pioneer Woman forum. It looks like the splinter group posting these is none other than the same pack of meth-snorting, post-menopausal fundies, who can’t decide whether or not to lick The Pioneer Woman’s ass. These gals are one band of crazies who make it their weekly calling to knock, while simultaneously soft-pedaling Ree Drummond and her heinous Food Network show. In the space of one comment, these bottom feeders can waffle between admiration and tip toeing criticism. Their remarks would never make it past the Pioneer Woman’s censors and frankly, our site won’t publish their lunacy either.

The heavy hitters, Glubb, WallyBear, MushyPeas, GrisGris, Smiley13, gotta love those names  along with Ree’s paid pros, recently went after Rechelle Malin, the creator of the hilarious Pie Near Woman site. Funny thing, a number of these simpletons had never made the connection between Rechelle and her brilliant antithesis of the Pioneer Woman. That they admitted this was priceless, that they attacked a woman, who’s peeled back the Pioneer Woman façade layer by layer revealing Ree’s huge fraud, is repugnant. Apologies to Grisgris for that big word.

Ruthlessly maligning Rechelle’s side-splitting account of her weekend at the Drummond Ranch, these uptight bitches no doubt vent their frustrations via keyboards in their respective geri-psych wards. What’s most astonishing about these losers is how they have no qualms when it comes to impugning Rechelle, but won’t take a stance on the Pioneer Woman. Unlike the self-absorbed, avaricious Ree Drummond, Rechelle Malin has never built an empire from profits bilked off the Internet gullible. All she’s done is get a little too close to the truth which irritates the hell out of these worms. Raves to Rechelle for taking the road less traveled, something these cowards would never do.

TWoP’s resident rocket scientist, the cretin GrisGris,  is a prime example of this group’s collective psychosis. Terminally inebriated whenever she comments, GrisGris often refers to the Pioneer Woman’s SUV as an ATV.  She vilifies Rechelle for employing vocabulary far too advanced for her pinhead comprehension, while stating a mere few comments later, how she’d like to meet up with her on an upcoming trip to Rechelle’s hometown. Note to GrisGris:   Rechelle has a scheduling conflict, she’ll be hosting a lavish party for Pioneer Woman detractors. Seems your invitation got lost in the mail.

 

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The Pioneer Woman | Ree’s Hand Job

Who produces these pedestrian Land O’ Lakes ads?  Oh yeah, probably the amateurish Pioneer Woman.  Be it Ree Drummond or the butter chumps themselves, someone needs to instruct her in the fine art of less is more.  That or add a music score to Ree’s hand performances.  Drums, guitars, a symphony orchestra, anything to detract from that high-pitched, phony voice and her spastic hand motions.

Exactly what is Land O’ Lakes hoping their target consumer will take away from these? Clearly, the focus isn’t on the butter as viewers are forced to listen to a poorly written script delivered by a self-absorbed redneck. We get it that the Pioneer Woman is a huge narcissist but what is up with her obsession with her own hands?  They’re freaking everywhere, from the multiple photos on her blog to these lame advertisements for a product most health-conscious Americans avoid to her morning show appearances.  The next time you have the misfortune to tune in when she’s hawking her latest bogus cookbook or insulting Al Roker, note how her hands are continuously in motion, like some sort of nervous tic. Who is this in love with their own hands?

The Pioneer Woman has absolutely no chemistry with the camera and if Land O’ Lakes thinks these spots are going to entice people to buy their products, heads should roll.  The Pioneer Woman’s not a natural spokesperson for butter, or anything for that matter, and why her handlers don’t break it to her is frankly mind boggling.  Oh wait, no one challenges the almighty Ree Drummond, especially if they value their livelihood.

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The Pioneer Woman | Bend Over Daphne Oz

Earth to Daphne Oz, has your famous Dad, Dr. Mehmet Oz, ever explained the concept of brownnosing? If not, here’s a brief tutorial. Whenever the fake Pioneer Woman gives your new book a shout out on her blog and Twitter, she does so for one reason and one reason only honey. It’s understood that you’ll return the favor this Fall when HarperCollins releases her third faux cookbook. In other words, when the Pioneer Woman engages in officious butt-kissing, she feels a mammoth sense of entitlement.

Daphne Oz Relish

And by entitlement, that means she expects some serious sucking up on your part with The Chew’s producers and co-hosts especially the trained chefs, Mario Batali, Carla Hall and Michael Symon. Surely, you haven’t forgotten the Pioneer Woman’s last appearance when she prepared this vomit-inducing slop? The Pioneer Woman covets a return to The Chew so desperately, her sin is palpable.

Here’s the thing Daphne, you’re the Pioneer Woman’s target demo, young, naïve, in awe of a bogus Internet persona and absent the time or care to look into the back story on her. Understand, it’s hard work signing all those checks to publicists, literary agents and Pacific UK Productions to bribe your talentless Pioneer Woman ass a place in the culinary world. Groveling with celebrities on a higher plane, such as yourself, is even harder. Come Fall 2013, Ree will be calling in the favor and tag, you’re it. Plan to pony up big time Daphne.

 

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The Pioneer Woman Instructs Viewers to Nuke Nutella & Cause a Fire

In spite of warning labels to the contrary, last Saturday the asinine Pioneer Woman instructed viewers on her Food Network show to microwave Nutella. Don’t do it. Based on personal experience, after I failed to read the label, microwaving Nutella will cause it to smoke and eventually flame. You’ll end up with a scorched, smoldering mess and an odor that will permeate your house for days.  Soon you’ll be shopping for a new microwave, if not a new home.

 

The Pioneer Woman

How to Torch your Kitchen by the Pioneer Woman

For the uninitiated, Nutella is basically sugar and oil flavored with cocoa and hazelnuts that, when exposed to high and/or sustained heat, will combust. That’s why Nutella’s manufacturers instruct against microwaving it. Sadly, this is par for the course for the Pioneer Woman.  Remember Food Poisoning 101?

What was Food Network thinking?  How do they sanction a show with such ill-advised cooking instructions? And where was Bobby Flay when his effing gal pal Ree Drummond directed her audience to engage in yet another unsafe practice?  Hope Food Network’s legal team is setting up a hotline to handle complaints from pissed-off viewers, the Reeple who potentially incinerated their microwave ovens after following the Pioneer Woman’s ill-advised directions.

Here’s the recipe as it appears on Food Network’s site.  Don’t follow these instructions for what the Pioneer Woman calls Sleepover Snacks:

10 cups combination of corn, rice, and wheat cereal squares

3/4 cup chocolate chips

3/4 cup chocolate hazelnut spread, such as Nutella

3/4 cup creamy peanut butter

1/3 cup butter

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

1/2 teaspoon salt

3 cups powdered sugar

2 cups miniature pretzels

1 cup chocolate coated candies, such as M and M’s

Directions

Place the cereal in a very large stainless steel bowl and set aside. In a medium microwave-safe bowl, add the chocolate chips, hazelnut spread, peanut butter and butter. Microwave for a minute, then stir. Microwave 30 seconds longer and stir until smooth. Keep going until it’s all melted, being careful not to burn. Stir in the vanilla and salt. Then pour the chocolate mixture over the cereal, tossing to evenly coat.Spoon the mixture into a 2-gallon resealable ziptop bag along with the powdered sugar. Shake the bag until the cereal is evenly coated. Then add the pretzels and candies, seal and shake the bag again. Pour onto baking sheets to set/cool. Serve in bowls.

 

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The Pioneer Woman Busted

For those who suffered through Food Network’s Pioneer Woman show last Saturday, many probably noticed the exquisite cake carrier Ree lollygagged across town to Aunt Edna Mae of Pie Near Woman fame.  When the show mercifully ended, the orgasmic Reeple went into a Twitter frenzy besieging the Pioneer Woman for info on how they could hump one, oh it’s so cute, I’ll perish if I don’t get one, blah, blah, blah ad nauseam.  Courtesy of Mackenzie Childs:

carrier

Of course what most of the clueless Reeple didn’t know, was this wasn’t just some Tupperware piece of shit, no sireeeeee. This cake carrier is sold exclusively by Mackenzie-Childs boutiques in NYC and Palm Beach including authorized distributors like Neiman Marcus and high-end retail establishments. Moreover, it retails for $175 smackeroos, sadly beyond the reach of the budget conscious Reeple.

We decided to have a little fun with the Reeple on Saturday and began tweeting the link to the Mackenzie-Childs website.  Sharing opportunities for Pioneer Woman wannabes to be greedy capitalists like their hero is a responsibility we take very seriously.  Besides, the Reeple could order at least two or three for their all-important cake deliveries too.

Little did we know the Mackenzie-Childs site became innundated with thousands of hits from our tweets and free advertisement,  that some moron at the company added a banner to their home page announcing their product had been featured on The Pioneer Woman show.  Seriously, is this the demo the Mackenzie Childs business model caters to, the masses who follow a fake Internet persona and a talentless hack?

Realizing she’d been exposed AGAIN for the contrivance she perpetuates,  Ree and her handlers began the collective act of damage control, deciding how they’d preserve, protect and defend the engineered “little ol’ ranch wife” image that was rapidly chipping away, much like paint on ceramic, as the Reeple discovered they could never really be a fake Pioneer Woman just like Ree.  Knowing her followers for the most part couldn’t shell out $175 bucks for a green floral cake carrier, Ree had…drum roll please…another contest.  How imaginative!  Three lucky Reeple would win their very own Mackenzie-Childs cake carrier and the day…the site traffic…and the Pioneer Woman scam were all saved by one click of Ree’s middle finger.  KaChing!

Aunt Edna Mae’s Favorite Pioneer Woman Post

Aunt Edna Mae’s Second Favorite Pioneer Woman Post

 

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The Pioneer Woman Reeple Tweetwrecks

Sorry guys, I owe you a real Pioneer Woman post, but it’s been crazy, busy around here. Where the Reeple (a mutant strain of sheeple) are concerned, there’s never a loss for material. Enjoy your weekend and thanks to Jamie K. for the new moniker. On a final note, any idea what a fire distinguisher does?

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The Pioneer Woman Sheeple Tweetwrecks

Get your barf bags ready. Here’s this week’s edition of the Pioneer Woman Sheeple Tweetwrecks. A round of applause goes to JennNy for the clever title suggestion. Happy Friday and enjoy:

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