The Pioneer Woman to Keynote Health Fundraiser

Mark your calendars now. On Thursday, the Pioneer Woman presents her dog and pony show in Amarillo, Texas at the Laura W. Bush Institute for Women’s Health 2014 Power of the Purse Luncheon.  Tickets for the event are $100, a steal given the many ROTFLMAO moments this should provide. I don’t know about you, but health is the first thing that comes to mind whenever Ree Drummond is mentioned.

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“Need a high-profile hack to speak at your next event? I’m your gal.”

 

Let’s see, will the Pioneer Woman subject donors to Charlie serenades while she delivers her Black Heels to Book Deals spiel or will she focus on the pros and cons of substituting half-and-half for whipping cream? With no book release scheduled until 2015 and construction delays postponing the unveiling of Ree’s second TV studio, her publicists have their marching orders: Line up speaking engagements to offset plummeting site traffic and shrinking profits. Here’s the deal, if your organization requires a fake little ol’ ranch wife posing as a public speaker, one whose cringe-worthy style will have the audience running for the exits, contact the Pioneer Woman.

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The Pioneer Woman Show – Vera Recaps “Happy Birthday Pa-Pa”

 A standing ovation for Vera!  Thank you for a great recap!  Looks like it’s back to re-runs next week.

Ree continues to crank out those episodes with today’s installment: Happy Birthday, Pa-Pa. It’s Ladd’s father Chuck’s birthday, so the whole extended family is putting together a birthday dinner. If I were Chuck, I’d be wishing they would just take me to Tulsa or someplace and buy me a nice steak dinner, but sadly for Chuck, he is going to be subjected to one of Ree’s “festive” dinners. On with the show!  MW Note: Today’s show was a rewrite of Season 3′s “For Papa” episode.  Ree mistakenly figured no one would notice.  We did.

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“Can you say deja vu?”

We start in the kitchen at The Lodge with Ree, who is going to make a birthday cake for Chuck. Strawberry Shortcake Cake, which Ree says about a thousand times before she’s done with this segment. For someone so amazingly not clever, she really thinks she is.

 

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“My girls and I are soooooo close…at least on camera.”

Ree, Alex and Paige make the cake layers in a flashback that is narrated by Ree and strangely short on interaction between the three of them. They are all moving robotically and putting ingredients together to make cake, but they do not seem to connect in any way at all. They only make one layer and whichever girl tosses it into the oven – we can only see her from the knees down – tilts the pan so far sideways that I’m afraid the batter is going to end up on the oven floor. Then we jump to another flashback of them cutting up strawberries to make the filling for the cake. Again, no interaction, just cutting strawberries while Ree does a voiceover narration. Weird.

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“Actually the production crew prepped these, but the mother-daughter bonding spin makes for a better story.”

Next, the girls go to Missy’s house to help her make salad and cookies, while the boys go shopping for presents. Nan takes Bryce and Todd and Tim’s kid whose name I don’t know to Osage Outfitters to buy Chuck a present. Because nothing says “I love you” or “Happy Birthday” like some random tool for your work that is bought at the last possible minute. OK, then. Back to Ree, who is making glorious cream cheese frosting. She also calls it luscious and says to use a good amount, however much that might be. We jump back and forth between Ree finishing the cake and putting it in the refrigerator and Nan and the boys at Nan’s house wrapping presents. Have we ever seen Nan’s house before? Well, we have now. There is a tease of the upcoming dishes, then out to commercial.

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“Glorious, luscious, yummy, exquisite, heavenly, fabulous, cream cheese frosting. I just love it, it’s my all time favorite.”

 

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“Nothing says cooking show like my MIL shopping with the kids.”

Back to Ree, smearing butter onto a huge beef tenderloin. We see a flashback to how she prepared her version of Cajun seasoning, complete with tons of salt and garlic powder. OK, who would take probably $200 worth of tenderloin and crap it up with garlic powder? Besides Ree, of course, because I see her doing it. Whatever, that is a crime against a good piece of beef and I have half a mind to call a cop on her.

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“Massaging glorious, throbbing meat…something Ladd loves.”

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“Pay close attention when massaging the meat. Did I tell you I channel Cameron Diaz?”

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“Finally, add overly-processed, dried-up-garlic that’s been pulverized.”

Jump to Alex and Paige and Missy’s daughter at Missy’s house, where Missy is making a salad. It sounds like she says “pancetta salad” and I know that can’t be right, but I don’t care enough to rewind. Anyone who knows what she actually said, feel free to correct me. The girls are decorating what looks like some sort of red velvet cookies with chocolate truffles and other stuff. They never say what it is although they do mention chocolate. The dialogue is so stilted and fake, I can’t keep up.

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Sister-in-law Missy and the girls posing for the camera.”

Back to Ree cutting up potatoes, then jump to the boys still wrapping presents at Nan’s house. Cut to Ree, who says she’s going to make vegetables. She puts cut up peppers and onions into the cast iron skillet, which is way too small for the amount of stuff she’s cooking, then stirs with a wooden spoon! Good job, Ree, I knew you eventually would figure it out! She does, of course, use a metal fish spatula to get them out of the pan, but baby steps, baby steps. Eventually she will learn what all the tools are for and why they have names like “fish spatula”, but not today.

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“Because I love ya, I wore a shirtain that matches my $350 Dutch oven.”

After the vegetables are out of the pan, she pours in wine and chicken broth to make a sauce. I guess the nobody-here-likes-wine shtick has gone away for now? She pours in some cream, then makes some nonsensical comment about how using wine means she won’t need as much salt? Huh? She puts the vegetables back in the sauce, turns them down to simmer until serving time – won’t they get mushy? – then we see all the other people start heading from their current locations to The Lodge. Yay, just what this show needs – more scenes of people driving! And we cut to commercial.

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Like Ree’s story lines, more repetitive stock footage seen multiple times during the show.

 

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“Nan, this television show may be corny as shit, but the $$$ Ree brought to the marriage make it all worth while.”

Back to Ree, covering the now-cooked meat with foil, then moving on to the mashed potatoes. She mashes the drained potatoes with a potato masher (see, Ree, I told you there were reasons for the names!) then adds two sticks of butter and a whole package of cream cheese. Because nothing kills like overkill. She says she’s going to drizzle in some half-and-half, but she actually dumps a large amount in, then she sprinkles in some of the Cajun seasoning that was left over from the tenderloin. She comments that the Cajun spice is the big difference that makes these Cajun mashed potatoes, then says that she doesn’t want to make the food too different from the regular way that the family likes it.

We see some more driving, then back to Ree, who is going to show us how to make frozen dinner rolls. What? Do they not have directions on the package? She’s also going to make garlic butter, another culinary mystery that people will need her help to understand. There is a tease of the party, then we are out to commercial.

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“Only the best for Pa-Pa’s birthday. A package of frozen dinner rolls.”

 

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“Melted butter with freshly chopped garlic for these $1.99/dozen rolls. Only use powdered garlic on expensive cuts of beef.”

We come back for the last segment with recycled footage of Missy, Nan, Ladd and Tim, all driving various vehicles from other parts of Oklahoma. Seriously, it is the exact same footage that was shown earlier in this episode. It must have been the film editors day off or something, so they let an intern piece this one together. Ree gets some shrimp out of the refrigerator and cue the whacky carnival music! Missy and the girls all arrive, so the girls get to set the table while Ree and Missy simper all over each other in the kitchen. “No, your food looks better! No, your food looks better!” Please, both of you, neither of your food looks all that great, so knock it off.

Missy and the fake Pioneer Woman hamming it up for the film crew.

Missy and the fake Pioneer Woman hamming it up for the film crew.

Ree fries the shrimp with yet more of the same Cajun seasoning, then takes the rolls out of the oven and puts more garlic butter on them. Ladd arrives and is offered salad, which he refuses. He is closely followed by Tim, who also turns down the salad. Everybody else arrives, they all eat and banter, display their lack of table manners, talk with their mouths full, etc. Ree lets the kids stick a bunch of plastic toys all over the cake, which just looks unsanitary, then she lights a bunch of candles on it, which looks like a good chance to set the whole mess on fire. The cake and the mystery cookies that the girls made are served, Chuck blows out the candles, presents are opened, everybody yells Happy Birthday to much clapping, then we are out.

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“Does anyone know how to become a rescue dog? Text me at 918-555-1212.”

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The Pioneer Woman Show – Vera Recaps “Gathering Bulls”

Welcome back Vera.  Thanks so much for another fabulous recap.

After a very short break, Pioneer Woman is back with another new episode. Something is very weird about the production schedule. The production company must be working 24/7 to get all of these new episodes on air so quickly. Most FN shows are produced in blocks of 6 episodes with several weeks of reruns in between. Not Ree – she just cranks out those episodes one after another with hardly a break in between. Do they have multiple camera crews on the ranch, all filming at the same time, producing several episodes at once?

On to today’s episode: Gathering Bulls. More exciting footage of cows and bulls being moved around from one pasture to another, more stock footage of horses, trucks, kids on and off of horses, and more mumbling from Ladd, the original marble-mouthed cowboy.

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More like Gathering Bullshit.

We begin in the kitchen at The Lodge, where Ree is fixing lunch for the kids to eat between working with Ladd and a homeschool session. The whacky carnival music immediately kicks in, as Ree makes the most important part of the meal – dessert. Since the opening credits have not changed since the very first episode, I am stunned at Ree’s current appearance, especially compared to the closing shot in the credits. Now her hair looks limp and droopy, she looks quite bloated, and her makeup looks more garish than ever. She has really changed in looks, and not for the better. She’s wearing a huge grey patterned shirtain with flowy sleeves, perfect for cooking, right?

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“Doctor, doctor, gimme the news, I got a bad case of Botox blues.”

She starts off talking to one of the dogs and gets no response from him, then she intros a flashback to what Ladd and the kids are doing. Yes, it’s that same footage of them saddling horses in the dark with the graphic that says it’s 6:00 a.m.

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“Maybe if I pretend to be asleep, I won’t have to eat her awful food…zzzzzz”

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We get it Ree. Your family starts work early. So do millions of others.

Cut back to Ree, who has melted some marshmallows in a Caribbean Blue LeCreuset dutch oven and is talking about wanting to drink them with a straw. Yuck! She adds Nutella, though she has to call it “hazelnut spread”, then she proclaims the melted sugary stuff ultra-ultra-delicious. She hacks at some pecans with her giant square knife, then goes back to stirring the melted ingredients. She’s babbling about the mixture being smooth while we look at a close up of how streaky and not smooth it actually is. Then she dumps in some “crispy rice cereal”, since she can’t say Rice Krispies, and some miniature marshmallows, to add to the sickening sweet factor.

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“For that added level of flavor, sleeve bacteria works the best.”

This part is so boring, I am looking past her to see what is on the shelves in the prep area behind her. The stuff on the shelves is colorful, so I guess this was taped after the white décor was swapped out. In the meantime, she has dumped the sticky mass into a pan and is now drizzling melted chocolate on top. Then she adds some more chopped pecans. I wonder what is going to hold them on, since she doesn’t press them in or anything, but she’s moving on. Tease of the upcoming lemonade, potatoes and green beans, then we are out to commercial.

Back for more cows, trucks, cows, kids on horseback, cows, then cut to Ree making strawberry lemonade. She puts strawberries, sugar and water into the blender, hits puree, then starts yelling over the noise. I hate that. Either do the blender recipes in a flashback or move the microphone so it doesn’t pull the background noise to the foreground, or just shut up while it’s running, but yelling over it is so annoying.

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“Strawberry lemonade tastes so much better when pureed in a $450 BlendTec.”

She’s babbling about just happening to have all the ingredients on hand, so she decided on the spur of the moment to make strawberry lemonade. You know, that happens to me all of the time, too. I am sitting on my ranch in the middle of nowhere, or hanging out at my lodge that I built just to have a place to hang out, and I mysteriously have lemons and strawberries that I have no other need for, so I decide to make lemonade. Sure, Ree, you are just like us! So, the strawberries, the lemon juice, more sugar, more water, then cut to more cows and more horses. It seems like they are trying to exhaust the stock footage library this week.

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Back to Ree, dragging her floppy sleeves through a frying pan full of butter and onions and flour. She says she’s making scalloped potatoes and ham for the kids to eat before they start their schoolwork. Because, after you’ve been working outside in the hot sun and before you sit down to read and do schoolwork, what you really want is a greasy, carb-heavy meal to have to digest. Yeah, right.

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“It’s a good thing the flame is turned off…shhhh, the audience will never know.”

Cut to more cows, then back to Ree saying in the most annoying voice ever that the kids are about to come in and “git started with their books”. She mixes up whole milk and half & half and adds it to the ingredients in the skillet to make a sauce for the potatoes and ham that she says will be luscious. Then there is a short tease of the kids with schoolbooks in front of them and eating their lunch, then cut to commercial.

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Back with more stock cow footage, then Ree using a mandolin to slice potatoes. She’s slicing away and talking into the camera and I am waiting for her to slice off part of a finger. At least she does use the guard to slice the last bit of the potato. Then she puts half of the sliced potatoes into a baking dish and we are treated to detailed instructions on how to cut ham into small cubes. Is there some reason that in every episode, there is one seemingly self-explanatory task that she explains with a level of detail more suited to brain surgery? She puts half of the ham cubes, some cheese and half of the white sauce on top of the potatoes in the baking dish, calling the sauce glorious as she glops it in. She makes some nonsensical statement about potatoes doing well with pepper, as she sprinkles pepper on the white sauce, then repeats the layers of potato, cheese, ham and sauce. Slam it into the oven, then cut to Ladd sending the kids in for lunch.

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Note to all culinary students: this is what the Pioneer Woman considers “finely diced,” one inch cubes.

Some wooden acting and horse footage, then the kids arrive at The Lodge, dirty and tired. They sit around with their books in front of them as Ree continues to cook and mug for the camera crew.

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“Staged? Who me? Why I never…”

There is some stilted conversation about whether they prefer schoolwork or ranch work. They all say schoolwork except Bryce, who Ree calls B-Man and proclaims the lone cowboy. This is when I notice that the girls are wearing makeup and earrings, which I guess they added for the show? I seriously doubt, if they actually do all this ranch work, that they dress camera-ready to do it on a regular day.

The final segment begins with some back and forth between Ladd, who is supposedly unloading some large number of bulls at some other location all by himself, and the four kids doing homework on their own while Ree continues to tape her show. Ree fries some green beans in butter, then Ladd mumbles some more about the bulls. He drives off in the truck and I wonder where he will go for lunch – Sonic? McDonald’s? He’s not going home!

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“Sonic sounds pretty good about now, giddy up Flicka.”

Back in the kitchen, Ree squeezes a lemon onto the green beans and her voice pitch jumps higher for some reason. She scritches the beans around in the cast iron pan with a set of metal tongs, then tells the kids, after all the work they did in the morning, she is hungry. B-Man/Brycie replies, “Indeed” – he must be the new featured performer, since he gets all the highlighted lines. Ree makes some comment about some of the kids not liking fresh herbs, as the camera zooms in on Todd, then Alex. She serves the kids their plates of food and says again that “Daddy” is missing out. Why is she calling Ladd Daddy? Where did he go for lunch? Inquiring minds want to know! Then we are treated to a strange fast-forward clean up by the kids, as Ree stands at the counter and cuts the Rice Krispie treats in fast-forward. They all do a toast with their desserts while Alex has the most bored face I’ve ever seen. Then we are out.

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“This show’s as bad as I look.”

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The Pioneer Woman’s Facebook Sentry

Recently,  MW readers pointed out that the Pioneer Woman has her very own Facebook sentry and stalwart supporter, one Linda Tessem. Post a question on PW’s Facebook page, within moments Linda not only provides THE answer but appropriate links. Imagine if you will, a Sears online pop-up asking “may I help you?” Well, there you have it, that’s Linda. The self-proclaimed Pioneer Woman expert is a walking, talking Britannica of Ree. Have a question about the Pioneer Woman’s favorite color, one of her kids or Ree’s top secret building project, never fear Linda’s here. And don’t even ask what happens if you mildly critique or question the Almighty Ree. Suffice it to say, don’t mess with Linda.

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Since Warden Linda has sparked so much conversation on our site, we decided to do a little research to see what, if anything, we could learn about a gal who’s devoted her waking hours to upholding Pioneer Woman propaganda.  More importantly inquiring minds want to know what motivates her rabid obsession with an Internet persona.  We discovered Linda has her own FB page but not one that’s regularly maintained. Understandable, given the obscene amount of time the Warden spends on the Pioneer Woman’s. Why bother with nettlesome FB updates when you can help promote someone else’s brand…apparently for free.

The same holds true for Linda’s Twitter account @lindatessem which she opened in 2009. To date, she’s tweeted a total of 20 times with the last one in April 2012. A number of direct tweets to the Pioneer Woman had no responses from Ree. Why are we not surprised?  That didn’t stop the Warden from correcting her idol though:

 


Bloggers beware too. If you maintain a site that posts inaccuracies about the Pioneer Woman, her books, family, etc., Warden Linda will let you know:

1. Linda Tessem says:

March 5, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Actually, the cake that was shown in the photograph is not a German Chocolate Cake, but is “Billie’s Italian Cream Cake”. I too, got an advance copy of the book – just because! It’s wonderful!!!

According to Google, Linda hails from Seattle, but currently resides in Stanton, WA where she’s married to one very, handsome Lorin.  In the short window when she’s not guarding the tone of things on Ree’s FB or someone else’s blog, the Tessems are independent consultants for what appears to be an MLM venture called Thrive.com. Thrive caters to disaster prone areas selling food storage and emergency preparedness.  You can read more on Linda’s LinkedIn page about this great work-from-home opportunity.  Not to worry though, Warden Linda’s full-time position defending the Pioneer Woman won’t be affected.

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The Pioneer Woman Show – Vera’s Recap of Make Ahead Marvels

Thank you Vera!  From the archives, Vera originally recapped this in Oct. 2013.  We added photos to update. This week’s episode: Make Ahead Marvels. This title might lead you to believe that there would be some rhyme or reason to More…

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The Pioneer Woman Show – Feeding Cows, Feeding Cowboys Recap

Nothing whets the appetite for a good home-cooked meal like watching livestock being fed. And that’s exactly what we saw on Saturday’s Pioneer Woman show, Feeding Cows, Feeding Cowboys. A re-run from last summer, Ree’s wickedly bad script explored the More…

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Did The Pioneer Woman Pitch This Cowboy Reality Show?

With rumors swirling that the Pioneer Woman has set her sights on yet another television show, one of our sleuth readers sent us the following from New York Times bestselling author, Craig Johnson. Sounds like Orion Entertainment, headquartered in the great More…

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The Exclusive World of Alpha Chi BlogHer

Earlier today, BlogHer CEO, co-founder and consummate Pioneer Woman kiss-up, Lisa Stone, appeared on CBS This Morning. Norah O’Donnell and Anthony Mason asked compelling questions about the conservative blogging network that compensates members who comply with its strict tenets. From 2009 to 2013, BlogHer paid 5,700 bloggers $36 million. While a minority earn six to seven figures, the average blogger pulls down a measly $200 a month.

How does one gain admission into this exclusive online sorority? According to Lisa, being a “quality storyteller,” taking “great digital photography,” or leading interesting social conversations makes you the perfect candidate. Currently, there are thousands on BlogHer’s waiting list. And what would an interview with Lisa Stone be without a ubiquitous plug for their top performer and shareholder, The Pioneer Woman.

Garnering membership into Alpha Chi BlogHer’s network requires total conformity to upholding what Lisa touts as their “quality guidelines.” In other words, bloggers must agree first and foremost to sell their souls, moderating all comments and deleting any signs of “hate or harassment.” Shine the light on a blogger’s shady practices or lack of integrity as we do the Pioneer Woman, you’ll be labeled a “jealous, hater” and summarily black-balled from consideration.

For those lucky robots, BlogHer offers revenue sharing and reinvestment in their blogs. So if you can pen engrossing content about vibrator shopping or March 14th’s Steak & Blow Job Day or submit this example of excellence in proofreading, then you have what it takes for the mother of all blogging platforms.

Finally, a heartfelt thanks to all who have contributed since we installed our “donate” button last week.   In the last few months, as more and more people find us, our site traffic has increased rapidly.  To keep The Marlboro Woman operating efficiently, our hosting costs recently doubled.  If you like it here and have the means, please consider a donation.   It’s anonymous, safe and it will help defray our expenses.  Thank you so much guys!

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The Pioneer Woman Show – Vera Recaps The B-Man

Note:  After today, Vera’s taking a much needed break. We’ll still have recaps though.  A round of applause to Vera for all her fabulous, glorious efforts! In another boring episode in a series of boring episodes, today we are treated to “B More…

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The Pioneer Woman – The Deception Chapter 2

The Pioneer Woman calls it The Building, we call it The Deception, Chapter 2. Much like her 2009 “lodge renovation,” when she disguised the fact she was pitching a show to Food Network, Ree’s keeping the true nature of this new project her empire/brand expansion close to the vest, milking increased site traffic for bottom line profits. That Ree Drummond has a cooking show and can’t cook her way out of a paper bag is deplorable, but when it comes to romancing the Wal-Mart demo and creating a contest-driven readership, she’s pure genius. If the blog gig ever falters, the Pioneer Woman should seriously consider politics.

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Unconfirmed rumors suggest Ree is eyeing a talk show and will shoot it from here, the future home of Pioneer Woman OmniMedia.

Mimicking a communist dictator, Drummond unveils details about the **Pawhuska building in a carefully, calculated manner. Recent teasers about the site housing a deli and offices for family members don’t address plans for the surplus square footage or the entire second level. Ree’s embraced crowd sourcing too, inviting reeple to submit design ideas for the restrooms.  It’s rumored that construction workers, sub-contractors, architects, etc. signed confidentiality agreements before the project was underway.

Our emails from anonymous sources suggest, but do not confirm, the Pioneer Woman has set her sights on a talk show and a lifestyle magazine is also under consideration. The building could well be home to a second TV studio, where Ree would broadcast before a live audience.  Think local access cable channels, quality notwithstanding, you get the drift.  Given the planning involved, repeatedly playing coy for clicks doesn’t ring true.  You don’t just wake up one morning and decide to throw together one of these babies.   See Martha Stewart’s Westport, CT studio.

We don’t understand why Ree feels it necessary to fleece her reeple.  This 2009 post from the Pioneer Woman’s blog appears to have been modified. Previous versions never mentioned the lodge would be used as a television studio, but after being called out for scamming her readers, Drummond apparently rewrote the entry making it appear those were the plans all along…and so she wouldn’t look like the liar she is. We didn’t save screen shots of the before and after so we can only speculate this is what happened. As the PioneerWomanSux always said, Ree’s all about the “brand/image clean-up.”

**More details about Pawhuska’s Osage Mercantile Building

 

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